goodbye

I never thought that I would ever feel like this again. Is it me? Am I that fucked up that no one can stand to stay with me? I feel like I have been growing and learning and yet, he's leaving. I'm very sad and disappointed that I wasn't worth working on it. I think he knows that it's partly him and he has no idea how to work on it, and he's too embarrassed to ask. Plus he knows it's work and he just wants easy. I feel like a failure to my kids, even though they are grown, and I feel silly for wanting to show them that it could be done. I am not a failure. I am a real person and deserve to feel loved and wanted. However, this is my fault in that I think I knew before we were married and I wanted to believe him. I ignored the things that were warning me and closed my eyes to the things I didn't want to see. I have learned a lot and have no regrets. I am a more loving person for having known and loved him. Still it will be hard to move on. To accept that it's over and that he really doesn't want this. I love you, B. elly

sad, super sad

When my husband left for work today, he told me that he would respond to a letter I wrote him several weeks ago, asking him to treat me lovingly. Then he said, "Whatever it is you want, I can't fix it." It's very hard to think that he would rather leave than try to love me as I feel I love him. I have been trying to think positively, as he has been nicer to me since the blow up that initiated the letter. I will not give up until he gives me more details or confirms his decision, but I am very sad that he doesn't care how I feel and isn't willing to change it. This was not my intention for this blog, but I needed to talk and don't want to tell others yet. elly

# 24

My husband keeps telling me how simple guys are. While it doesn't seem that way to me at times, I know that his heart is plain and simple, filled with simple things and lots of love.

# 23

One thing that I have always appreciated about my husband is how positively he responds when people ask him how he is. He is "absolutely marvelous", or "just terrific", or something equally upbeat. He really means it too. When he's by himself he sometimes forgets, but often he heads out feeling good.

# 22

I love when my husband really takes the time to hug me properly, cause when he does, oh man! He is strong and solid. He squeezes me tight and makes me feel like he will never let me go and it makes me warm all over. Thanks lover!

miss you

I am more and more aware that I miss my husband when he travels for work. I feel cut off from him, don't want to worry him about things when he's driving, and don't want to wake him when he's sleeping. His sleep is so precious and he often finds it hard to sleep during the day. It makes such a difference to his health when he gets enough sleep/rest. Of course, whenever he gets delayed at the border, it totally throws a screw into that! Sending you my love...

# 20

I love to watch my husband in the pool. He has been spending more time there lately and he does very well. Really, I also just love playing in the water with him. Sometimes just the two of us and sometimes with a whole gaggle of grandkids!